I’ve worked in the field of assisted reproduction for almost 22 years now, and a lot has changed over the years. When I first started in our industry, anonymous egg donations were the “norm” and were generally encouraged by the agencies, attorneys and clinics involved. In this typically anonymous process, I became an egg donor myself, but I had an unusual situation. My intended parents wanted to meet me, and I was thrilled to be able to have that experience with them. There are now three children in this world as a result of my egg donation and I firmly believe the best thing we did for them was do an open and semi-open donation.
Open or semi-open contracts with egg donors mean that you agree to have direct or semi-direct (i.e. third-party mediated) contact with your egg donor in the future, whereas an anonymous contract means you agree not to contact one another in the future.
The two most important reasons I give to have an open or semi-open contract are the following:
- First, in open/semi-open donations the recipients and the resulting children are able to receive real-time updates on changes in your egg donor’s medical history. As we all know, medical history can change in the blink of an eye. Being able to update one another on something that could seriously impact your child’s future health history is important for their future safety.
- Second, one thing that has been consistent when speaking with donor-conceived offspring is that most (the vast majority) are curious about their biological heritage. Curiosity is a human experience and something most of us [can] relate to. When the option for knowing more about their genetic connections is unavailable, it can become an emotional and painful experience for the resulting children.
It’s important to understand that the story of how they came into the world belongs to the donor-conceived children. Many such children relate there is a sense of shame or loss that is connected with anonymity. While it is understandable or even normal for the non-genetic recipient parents to feel some fear or uncertainty when it comes to their place in a donor-conceived offspring’s life, those are the emotions that belong to the parents, not the children. If and when those emotions arise, that is the time for the parents to connect with a mental health professional who works in assisted reproduction and work through those emotions.
I will end with a story about a donor-conceived teenage girl who shared her experience with an audience of ART professionals. She said, “When we were learning about human reproduction in school [,] I casually mentioned my egg donor. The whole class and teacher were so surprised and had a lot of questions. Up until then I just assumed EVERYBODY had an egg donor. My parents always talked about it, and I even got to speak with my egg donor when I had questions. It was pretty awesome being able to share my experience with the class, but even more special to know that so many people helped bring me into this world.”
Resources:
Donor-Sibling Registry: https://donorsiblingregistry.com
We Are Donor Conceived: https://www.wearedonorconceived.com