The start of the surrogacy search is one of concern, worry and wonderment. Who will this woman be with whom we will bring a baby into our home. Will we become friends? How well will I get to know her? How much of her life will become a part of ours? Of course, of paramount concern for any intended parent is the extent of involvement in the gestation of their baby. And surrogates, too, look forward to matching with involved and engaged parents. For the most part, we find that relationships settle where everyone is comfortable and we see beautiful and gratifying surrogacy experiences develop.
Surrogates are women who, by requirement, are already mothers themselves. Many surrogates are also in the work force. Surrogacy, from application through match and to delivery can take over a year and sometimes up to two. Surrogates commit, first and foremost, their time. They have made the conscious and informed decision to make time in their heart and in their lives to help a hopeful intended parent have their baby. Surrogates are generous, compassionate women but they also have full lives outside of the surrogacy arrangement. They also understand that intended parents are likely, also working. Often, the intended parents are not in immediate proximity to the surrogate and distance can, sometimes, limit the extent to which the intended parent is able to participate in prenatal care. Despite the obstacles that every day life puts in the way of the intended parent/surrogate bond, still we tell our clients to look forward to experiencing a bond that will be grounded in the most beautiful of common goals, a baby.
Whether or not the intended parents are at every visit to the obstetrician or due to work or travel constraints their involvement is more remote, particularly given all the options for virtual engagement, intended parents and gestational surrogates can and should look forward to a connection that is both respectful and loving.
But what about after the delivery? What can be expected? More and more we are hearing of surrogates who agree to pump breast milk for the baby and so there is a natural continuation of regular contact but what about after? There will certainly be an “after”. And the answer is, it depends. We see on-going relationships that entail phone calls and e-mail while others allow for family visits and even shared vacations. Admittedly, some relationships that stay strong after the baby is first born may taper off a bit as time goes on but the bond, we hope, remains strong. At Gifted Journeys we remain available both during and after the surrogacy to offer whatever resources and support we have available. As a matter of discipline, we remain informed of the latest options and opportunities for our clients to access our mental health colleagues, including recommending books and articles written by some of the same psychologists with whom we enjoy strong working relationships and friendships. The dynamic between the surrogate, her family, the intended parents and their new family is one we can and will support because we understand how profound the experience has been.
So think positively, long-term. Be sure your expectations and your reservations are heard and explored in the matching process. If the relationship seems to be going off track, the Gifted Journeys team will be there and if there is something we can do to foster an even deeper bond before, during and after, you can count on us.